Peaxal

Editor’s note (which I guess, is me): the following is parody of a WSJ page that does no justice for the internet and its designers/developers. You can find the abomination article: here.

Hey do you have eight hours and $10? Then you’re probably unemployed!

Thanks to competition among web-hosting providers, and the alignment of mercury to jupiter on its fourth-dimensional axis, it has never been easier to get a web site up and running.

Many small businesses seem intimidated by the job. In a survey published last year, by somebody, 36% of online small businesses have web sites. That leaves 64% of online small businesses without a website: a glaring contradiction.

So, here’s a guide for small online business owners who are not online to make the leap… online! We’ll lay out all the steps you need to take, and give you some expert opinions from my cousin Gary who built his brother’s wedding site!

1. Buy a web address

First, buy a domain name for $10 a year. The foundations of an online business or any business begin with branding! Market research and business plans were so Web 1.0… oh wait! They weren’t! But we’re now in Web 2.0 so your branding will be significantly improved by the extra point.

2. Find a Home

You’ll need a place to put your brand! What better than cheap crappy shared-hosting for free, perhaps, an investment in great hosting so your site can grow!

3. Build your site

You’ll want to design your site now, and there is good news: most free hosting services offer free crappy tools to build something really ugly! Nothing says foundational like putting your business on ice skates in a hockey ring!

Here are your required pages:

1) A home page
2) An about page
3) A contact page
4) A family page with photos of your recent vacation
5) Clip art!
6) A mailing list to spam relatives with jokes and patriotic emails!

If you own a restaurant you might want to include a menu. If you’re a store-front you may want to make a “store” page. If you’re a terrorist, how about a weapons-expert page! Got it! OK!

You’re so fucking retarded, that I’m going to make Microsoft Word metaphors about using online web-page editor applications. Because we know the one thing office workers love most, is Microsoft Office! So build your site with an online application, that works as well as Microsoft Word!

What’s that? There’s another way? You’re right. You can improve the design by learning HTML. You don’t need to have programming skills to use HTML - a magical language with strange cryptic characters gifted to us by the early Celtic cave-dwelling dwarves - because you’re a moron!

Also, if you’re looking to improve your site, but don’t want to make the effort yourself: steal code! I don’t need to tell you that you need to credit the author from whom you stole the work—because you don’t! Isn’t building a business fun?

4. Get Paid

Money, on the internet, comes from the existence of a site itself, not the content or quality of the material on it. Just put up some Paypal buttons and voila! Magic money!

5. Get Sponsors

You can be the next Tiger Woods, without any of the talent or skill. Simply sign-up for a Google Adwords account and act as if this will generate significant revenue for your already well thought out website. For Bob Smith of smithautoinc2413.com, it has worked wonders. “I’ve been able to make millions of dollars...everyday!” Incredible!

7. Get Known

You look at this title and you think, “time to provide meaningful content and a good user experience”? LOL (silly internet letters for laughing out loud) Of course not silly ! SEO is like a cash machine, printing money to every well-wisher who just happens to sign up. Optimize your site for search… it works for Google, and they’re doing great! Look at how they’re the top result for the search term “Google” (fact-finding mission result: http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en-us&q=Google&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8) and they’re reaping all the benefits

8. Track your Traffic

Using these tips, you can build your site from 1 to 2 to 8 people a year! Make sure you check to see what part of your business is the most popular. The clip art page? Maybe throw some clip art on your weapons-expert page… perhaps a bear hugging a heart?

9. Success!

Now, is it time for a revenue model? Just kidding! Time to blog! Blog! Blog!

But seriously, do us all a favor. Work hard and build something great that you enjoy or that furthers the foundations of your business plan, market research and revenue model. It doesn’t have to look great or be totally functional at first (it can with Blue Flavor!), but it can grow over time. In the future, when something you loved has blossomed into something that a lot of people love, you can hire people who know what they’re doing and work on what’s important to you and your company.